How context influences our language

Language is a powerful tool in coaching – and perhaps one of the most challenging to grasp. It is through our communication and choice of words that we can create the conversational framework necessary for a smooth and fruitful process. Language is where everything comes together. Our ability to listen, generate clear and succinct statements, construct a simple question, or simply share an acknowledgment with the client all comes down to how well we can craft our language.

It is through language that we build trust. It is through language that we connect. It is through language that we can open doors, broaden horizons, challenge clients, and support them in taking action. It is through language that we build partnerships. And while there are some best practices a coach needs to follow, one of the hardest concepts to understand is that it all depends on context.

Clients come from different environments, backgrounds, and perspectives. They all have different ways of thinking, levels of resilience, and acceptance. And therefore, what works for one person will not necessarily work for another. What is an absolute “no” to one will perhaps be an absolute “yes” to another.

Take, for example, the concept of open-ended questions. Of course, we all know the power behind a question that gives the client complete freedom to go deeper and invites them into a wider exploration of their situation. A coach must have complete ease in their ability to ask open-ended questions. However, as important as this skill is to a coach, there are moments in coaching where a closed-ended question is the most powerful question to ask. Imagine that…

Sometimes we rebuff “why” questions and talk about it almost to the point of demonizing it. But in fact, it may come a time when a simple “why” is all the client needs in the moment.

Recently, we have become more socially aware of how certain terms and language use can negatively affect people. This is a breakthrough in so many areas of acceptance, inclusion, and respect for one another. It is a welcome awakening to our cultural and collective consciousness.

Words have power, and it is important that we are mindful of what we say and to whom we say it. However, in coaching, we need to be cautious of drawing hard lines around particular actions or terms we use, forgetting that context may change everything.

Take, for example, the word “need”. This is a word that can put the client into survival mode, almost pushing them into a corner and adding stress, rather than a wider sense of possibility. Yes, to this awareness. And yes, to the idea that, at times, using the word “need” can be a powerful way to instill in the client a sense of ownership and determination.

That’s why, in coaching, we must be careful with black-and-white thinking, where dogmas start to cripple our authentic and spontaneous presence. In coaching, it all depends.

This level of flexibility in our language and attitudes towards our clients is no excuse for sloppy technique. Intentionality is paramount. A well-qualified and professionally trained coach wants to have their tools always sharpened and ready. However, we must be wary of the practice of over-identifying specifics and singling out certain outcast words that cannot be used. There is no need to be dogmatic or fundamentalistic in our approaches.

Coaching is about the human experience, which can be messy, unpredictable, and often surprising. Doubtfully, one rule will always be right. More than behavior 1, 2, or 3, the evidence of excellence lies in the preparedness, intentionality, and mindset we bring when we dare to stand in front of our clients. That is the art we strive for, including in our use of language.

by Elias Scultori, MCC
(previously posted on www.eliasscultori.com)